Dear Mlog,

I have entertained this conversation in my head and with others in the past, but it seems to be rearing its head again.

We have to be responsible for whom we date, and whom we attract in our lives.  No longer can we sit back and blame elements of the relationship that did not work, or the other person.  Many years ago I had a different type, what I deduced to be seemingly low self-esteem men.  Once I learned that common denominator I changed the type of men I would attract, or so I thought.

My girlfriend and I got to talking over dinner and drinks tonight and while she has mentioned some time last year I have a type, I shocked usually say no way… I am an equal opportunity dater.  Well it depends on the opportunity being offered to me.  She id note that yes, I don’t have a skin-colour or race type as I am equal in that respects, but there is a common denominator still present, that needs to be removed.  She simply stated then, I tend to date men with a nice build and good teeth.  I can’t disagree with that notion, and why should I eliminate nice teeth, but I started to explore in recent weeks a type.

When a man you have never met, whom you started communicating from a dating site says, “you are probably use to those slim metro-sexual type men, and not big guys like me” I had to laugh and somewhat agree.  Now weeks later I am having this conversation with my girlfriend as we explore the men she knows I have been in relationships with.  She thought long and hard as I threw the names out there… “Rick*, Mike*, David*(an ex-model), Sam* (penis envy), Garrad*.  Thinking some more, wavering and teeter tottering she had to agree.  They were all slim metro-sexual type men with great bodies, nice smiles and devastatingly handsome (at least in my eyes).

I decided that I need to get out of my own way!  I am once again inhibiting myself and attracting the same type of men.  So here is this

1. line-backer teddy bear type divorcee from online dating who is counting the months until I return home, calls me in the evenings and texts me in the AMs, checks on my health and witty as ever… enough to handle my back-chats
2. a young muscle tattoo hunk who is sexy as all !@#$, and I learned he quit the dating site since meeting me, also counting the months until I am home and making plans…. and will not stop sending me pics and expects me to do the same
3. then a gentleman I just met or rather re-met with a few extra pounds where it counts, but I am digging his personality which I find extremely attractive

I ask myself where would I typically go from here?

We as women and men need to get out of our own way!!!!  There is someone around the corner, the chat line, another state, country or venue out there for us, and as we continue to stunt our own growth with our ideals we stay in a constant state of “single-dom”.  I keep renewing my faith in myself every couple of months this year.  I keep experiencing personal growth.  I keep going with the knowledge of what IS, sorry for those who don’t take the time to transcend

So henceforth I decree that I will no longer go for the excessively pretty men, with dashing ways… I will no longer put abs before a good home cooking belly.  I WILL still stand for good teeth and a great smile.  I will no longer date the Hollywood Leading Men (NO HLM) of the non-celebrity world.  I WILL DATE RESPONSIBLY!

Check me in December! And if I get out of my way, look out world… allyuh not ready fuh me yet!!!!

Dear Mlog,

Now I’ve seen everything is what this comes to. There are so many spectrums of the MALE.  I mean no disrespect by stating boys will be boys.  It is simply a clever title to encapsulate how the MALE are no different from each other.

I had lunch with a friend (MALE) Walton* who is in town.  Upon getting up to check for to see if they called our names to pick-up our lunch I noticed his eyes rested upon my behind.  As I sat back down I told him he should really stop doing that.  Without missing a cue he stated, “what looking at your little butt”?  I chided back that I catch him every time, in which he claimed to not be hiding, and that he is quite obvious when he looks.  Besides he says, “your waist is so small and you are so sexy”.

Ah we are back on topic.  The word that I have come to detest over the last 2 years.  He patiently as if this were a new topic for us explains why I am sexy, how I am sexy and how I can intimidate men.  I said my goal is not to intimidate but to simply share my life with ONE of them.  I told him one of the guys I met online dating mentioned that a lesser man can be intimidated by me, and this was after only our first conversation.  Of course the conversation escalates to him discussing matters at which we should not discuss.  I explained that he should know me by now and I will never go there with him, besides…  “why are you not wearing your wedding ring”, I asked.

That is neither here nor there, but I left feeling ogled, desired (not desirable), and well if given the chance he would really dry and wet hump me for that matter.

We parted ways and as I drove along Eastern Parkway just after 1pm 17^th of June.  I noticed a lot of birds on the pavement that separated the service road from the main road.  Me with my bird phobia decided I needed to close my sunroof to avoid at best bird poop dropping on me, at worst a close swoop overhead that would lead my phobic mind to translate it as an attack.

But then came the most disturbed site I would see.  So disturbing it took over my mind at 12:45AM and by 1:06AM I am writing about it.  I saw a MALE sexing a FEMALE that was half dead, or dead for that matter.  Yes you heard right a MALE was so horny that it did not matter if the FEMALE was responsive or not.

I sat at a light with many cars ahead watching this take place.  My first thought was ok I hate birds and look at this scene.  Then I realized something was off, when another MALE bird tried to swoop in and the MALE did a dismount, flutter of the wings to ward of the competition and RE-MOUNTED said FEMALE, all while the FEMALE did not stir.

Now I am no Veterinarian or no bird watcher but I could not look away and at the same time my mind was racing.  Nah…. I thought.  Has the world gone awry that birds no longer enjoy the doggie style through the feathers but now have discovered missionary.

I put the thought away, but as I laid here I thought back to many of female friends and family who have told countless stories of being so dog tired that they let their men mount them while they are sleeping.  But how is that enjoyable if he is doing it to a half-dead corpse.  What pleasure can he get when you are not responding but laying there sleeping.  I never understood the stories but seeing that MALE bird mounting a dead female bird brought it all back.

The crazy thing is I think this bird was a Trinidadian. I mean the part that struck me the most was the remount, wine and chook he was putting on that poor girl bird. He dipped, gyrated, swung his body and kept his wings akimbo as if it were Labor Day on Eastern Parkway and the truck passing was playing his tune.

Dear Mlog,

I have taken a serious hiatus from writing to you, but I am back with a vengeance.  It helps when you are inspired to write.  I have been doing a lot of online dating lately and well that in itself gives me enough ammunition with all the crazies out there.

Today was different.  While it is easy to write about the many men with the warped ideas of what online dating should be, it’s harder to write about the good ones.  There is the angry with you for not giving out your phone number after you respond to his simple hello.  There are the countless are you into younger guys, please say yes.  Then there is the older guy who needed to be blocked after my polite let downs, he was determined that I give him a chance as I don’t know what I am missing.  While I am sure he was quite young and sprite for his age, I had no interest in dating anyone born around the same time frame as my parents.

Then there are those that we enjoy long bantering conversations with, even over the phone.  Today there was a bright spot.   An email that had more than the usual 2-4 words, “hi you are sexy” or “hi sexy”.  No!  Today’s note made me laugh and smile, a hard thing to do before you even get to see a pic and read the profile.

The message to me was: Well, you sound like you might be more than just another pretty face. Something tells me that you’re probably getting about 50 emails a day from loser guys saying things like “Hi, I’m freshly divorced from my seventh wife, have 5 delinquent kids… but the good news is that I have a good chance at finally getting a job…” etc. In any event, I’m 37, have my life together, and I’m more than the usual amount of interesting and funny, so you’d better like to laugh. You sound like you might make an interesting friend, so let’s get to know each other over some interesting conversation… if you think you can handle it, that is!

And yes he ended it by issuing me a challenge.  Well anyone that knows me knows I like nothing better.  I decided to check out his profile.  It was the complete opposite of what I expected.  Here I am thinking he is going to give me more of this crazy sense of humor but instead it had a serious tone and offered a lot about himself.  I was slowly tethering when the pièce de résistance blew me away.  His thoughts on what a man should do for a woman.

Things I Think A Man should do for a woman.

1-touch her waist

2-talk to her

3-Never keep secrets

4-give her your jacket

5-kiss her slowly

6-hug her

7-hold her

8-laugh with her

9-invite her somewhere

10-let her be with you when you’re with your friends

11-smile with her

12-take pictures with her

13-pull her onto your lap

14-when she says she loves you more, deny it. fight back

15-when her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she cant get to her friends. it makes her feel loved

16-always hug her when you see her

17-kiss her unexpectedly

18-***HUG HER FROM BEHIND AROUND THE WAIST!!!***

19-tell her she?s beautiful not sexy!

20-tell her the way you feel about her And show her you mean it too!

21-kiss her on the lips

22-DONT ask her to buy you stuff. you buy HER stuff

23-TELL HER WHAT FEELS GOOD

24-make her feel loved

25-buy her stuff. small things can still help

26-DON’T LIE TO HER.

27-DON’T CHEAT ON HER.

28-take her anywhere she wants

29-txt message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day, and how much you miss her!!!!

30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you

31. Hold

Pleasantly surprised and appreciated the effort he made to fill out his profile beyond what one would garner from a drivers license.  He inspired me to blog and well it certainly made up for all of the not so great efforts in the online gaming… sorry online dating.

Dear Mlog,

Edgar Degas Melancholy

I have had a foreboding feeling for some days now.  One of those feelings you can’t shake but you just can’t quite put your finger on.  I am happy to report that I have not had this kind of feelings in 5-6 years.  Life’s good, I have no complaints, and well life’s good.

I think it came to a head today as I started to write a memo on my phone.  Here outlines what I was trying to convey at the time.

The city is absolutely gorgeous.  This foreboding melancholy mood has not failed me like I’d hope.  I am treating myself to the first meal of my day at 7pm with a glass of Pinot Grigio and a grilled chicken sandwich with arugula, aioli sauce and avocado.  It is a sad and lonely space I am sitting in and that is my emotions, as the view was outdoor seating across from the 2^nd busiest Apple store in the city.

Crazy thing is I can’t talk to anyone about it, at least I feel no one would understand.  One of my best friends whom I can talk to about anything would feel helpless and worried.  The last thing I wanted was for her to take on my plight.  My cousin another saving grace would try to solve it and think there are more important things in life (like the need to pay bills, lol) so I should perk up.  One of my sisters would tell me what to do as matter fact and with little empathy or understanding.  Another would not get it and well the last would be too into herself to really take me on.

So as I sit there sipping my wine and trying to choke back the emotions that keep creeping up like weeds through cracks I try to distract myself and enjoy the view.

Upon arriving home there was a young fella in the store (going to take advantage of the “dollar and a dream” slogan) who instantly complimented me on my shades atop my head.  I said, thanks and went on my way to be that much close to being a millionaire.

As I was leaving he was on top of me so that I was startled he was still in the store.  But he quickly jumbled words of, “want to buy some scented ivory soap”.  Taken aback and confused I mumbled no and walked out.

Well then I had to laugh at myself.  Two thoughts came to mind.  One he just tried to use one of the tactics of psychology of persuasion on me.  He tried to gain my trust and compliment me to let my guard down so he had a window of opportunity to approach me later for a sale.  The other was, this man is not even trying to pick me up! Then the first smile, more a chuckle to myself pierced the cracks of the impending weeds.  I have not been desired, truly desired by a man in a long time.  I mean I have not been picked up, hit on, passed at, not a poem, not a line, not a glint in the eye, and I am not talking about sex.  I think…  no I know I have more to offer than just sex, but the thought was as simple as the Wiley Coyote trying to drop an anvil on the RoadRunner.  I am simply “lonely” and require the company of a man,  Sccchhhhweeewwww…. I nailed the coffin.  Have not solved the lonely problem, but at least the mysterious stew of my emotions has been identified.  I will advise when the next epiphany hits and I have a solution to the said ailment.  Until then.

It’s warm outside and it is the season for love…. unrequited, new, old, existing, free, friendly and flirtations LOVE!!!  Whatever boat you fit in, just take the ride and enjoy.

Dear Mlog,

You noticed that from just one kiss you could tell whether a man will be able to satisfy your needs.  I can tell from just one kiss if a man will fall flat on satisfaction, or if he will move you to places you’ve never been or if he simply has potential but needs a little guidance.

Kissing many frogs, getting a few princes and still my King eludes me.  Now I love to kiss and I fancy myself a really exceptional kisser.  Just like when women fake orgasms, I’ve had to fake my true feelings on kissing.  I have found myself over the years saying things like, “I just don’t like to kiss”.  Those lines were for my 20’s.  In my 30’s I have little patience for anyone that cannot kiss.  No time to waste on discovering your other ineptitudes.

I was faced with a bad kiss some years ago, with a friend who I knew had feelings for me for some years.  When faced with this kiss I did not go for the “I don’t like to really kiss” line, I simply stated I was seeing someone. Mind you I had not even landed a kiss on that said man just yet.

Within weeks of that kiss *Walton after dropping me home planted one on me.  Hmmmm the kiss was not bad, but it was rushed, hurried and too forceful for my liking.  So I immediately went for the line of, “there are some men that have been waiting years, and some months for a kiss with me and you swoop in and take one”.  I admired his cocky answer after, though his confidence was better than the kiss at the time.  He retorted, well it’s not my fault those men are slow to recognize the women in front of them.

The third kiss came a few weeks after Walton’s and well, IHNW!  “I have no words!”  It was passionate, unhurried, sensual, teasing yet firm, wanting yet with a degree of control.  Everything about that kiss, the length, the intent and the sheer pleasure let me know right away this man was full of pleasure and that he was willing to give it unselfishly and receive it joyfully.

I have kissed a few frogs since and even some potential kissers, or rather the potential somehow has elevated their skill level, but I am yet to find someone that can match that kind of kiss.  If two lips were ever made for each other and two tongues were sentenced to an eternity entwined, I would ne’er complain of this decree, as it is the kind of kiss that leaves you wanting more.  It is the kiss that you can sense, feel and taste long after the physical aspect of the soft pucker of the lips have departed.

A kiss to satisfy.  Will there be other such kisses out there? Possibly.  I would rather have “THE KISS” over “the potential”. But for now like Snapple says, it’s ‘the best stuff on earth!’ (footnote: upon googling the slogan ‘the best thing on earth’ to confirm it’s paraphrase from Snapple, I found this,“the best thing on earth would have been women… pussy, more exactly”.  IHNW!. You think that is what Snapple really meant?)

Well there is room for interpretation of the best stuff on earth, but for now.  I will say THE KISS would be it for me.  You can tell a lot about a person from the KISS!

Happy Puckering People!

(PS. I put the montage together myself in photoshop elements, hope you like )

Dear Mlog,

So I was out of town on a business trip and had the best time ever with a friend, than I can ever remember us having. A bit surprised considering it almost never came to be.

With a bad tummy ache after dinner and a snowstorm at this time of year in this particular city made for a night that should have been canceled.  Feeling bad for my reaction a few weeks before, I went to my room to try and relax.  We met in the lobby after some time, went to the wine bar in the hotel and we were served although they were closing. We sipped our red wine in front of the fireplace and chatted about his ventures, my work and everything in between.  We naturally flowed to my room where he sat at the foot of the bed and we chatted for hours.  It was just about 10:30 when we decided it was late, but still we chatted.  He told me what he thought of me and what he thinks most men think of me upon first impression.  Walton called me sexy and I without hesitation pounced on it.

You see for some weeks now I have been trying to understand what a man means when he calls me sexy.  My ex says it a great deal and well I started to think of sexy in terms of something sexual.  It started to concern me, as I know I have more to offer and wanted to understand a man’s thinking when he refers to a woman as sexy.

Walton explanation was that I exude sexiness by the way I look, carry myself, move, dance, speak and overall vibe.  I was following but it was not enough for me.  He went on to explain that he believes a great deal of men is intimated by me when they first come into my presence.  He explained that for some reason some think they may not be able to handle me.  They have thoughts of “I wonder if I could tame her”.  Now why pray tell are men trying to tame me, or that I even seem like I need to be tamed?  He went on to explain the caliber of women that I am and how I am everything a man is looking for in a woman.

All that said we kept the discussions flowing.  He went back to discussing his chances and his feeling that had I made a different decision during what I am calling “The Kiss” phase things would be different.  Walton felt that he would not have moved to the State he is in and tried to work things out with his Wife had I decided of the 3 frogs that summer, he would be the prince. He was offered a job in the State I currently work in and would have gladly taken it had I even considered him.  I disagreed and explained that everything he does is for his kids and making them happy.  I even reminded him that although it’s for the kids, growing up in a home where their parents show no affection and passion for each other is just as harmful as a divorce.

He responded with, “I live to make my kids happy, but I need to also make myself happy to”.  Eventually we looked at pics on my iPhotos from recent events to ease the seriousness of the discussion.   It was almost 1 in the morning now, and really time for us to say good-bye.  He gave me a hug, one that lasted too long but not in a bad way. It felt good and right for the first time ever and upon pulling away he gave me “the kiss”.  Now it’s not “THE KISS”, but it was the makings of something I had never experienced with him.

For this time his kiss was not rushed, forceful or rough, but full of potential.  No.  This time his tongue was patient and playful, light and easy.  He was exuding a level of control I had never felt in his kiss, so much that we kept saying good bye and gravitating to the door but finding ourselves entangled in “the kiss” again.  This kiss was full of promise and potential.

Hmmm and to follow with some very kind and sweet texts all week and when I returned home checking to make sure I was ok with everything and with him.  Checking to make sure I was still his sweets.  Really in my belief checking to make sure I did not run off with my Pony, Wiley (he started off by calling him my stallion, then my horse and then my pony… as he sees it Wiley cannot handle me and I would run all over him, so he kept reducing his equestrian status) or my real Stallion who shall not be named, but he turned a bit of our discussion that night to both as they he perceived to be his competition some years back.  He seems to think they are making a come back, but that’s just him observing one event and some pics.  As he puts it, he settled cause he was ready and does not want to see me to do the same.  He does not want me to end up with Pony just because he is in love with me if my feelings are not there for him. On the other hand he does not want me to end up with Stallion cause he feels that I he will never reciprocate whatever I feel or put in.  Perhaps he is some kind of physic or perhaps he sees a race track with lips running for dear life and he is somewhere in the middle of the race or like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, perhaps he thinks his porridge is “just right”.

My next mlog is going to delve deeper into “The Kiss” and how you can garner a mans potential from that one act.

Dear Mlog,

The Rest of Your Life:

*Wiley is wonderful man and has been a presence in my life for some years now.  He has been separated from his wife for many years, not ready to accept the end of his marriage and being Catholic and all.  When I met Wiley he showed an attraction to me, however he knew he was in no position to act on in.  A few years after we met he finally mustered up the gumption to kiss me, but at this time I gave him a reluctant slight kiss back and then expressed that I was seeing someone.  Mind you the someone (Big Pot) and I had not even ventured a kiss, yet but it was an easy way out.

Walton stole his kiss sometime before this and so I only had one more frog to kiss to determine who would make the grade as my prince charming.  Wiley knew at this point his opportunity was lost and well he conceded to dropping comments about the Big Pot every chance he could.  At a fete the following year, he saw me on the arm of the Pot and expressed his sadness that I was not with him instead.

Now 2 years since then, he is ready to sign his divorce papers and by doing so, expressed to me that he is ready for a relationship.  I was hanging out with some friends, when Wiley called and through that conversation, asked me what am I doing for the rest of my life.  I asked, “Is that a proposal?”  Hmmmm….  He said I just want to prepare you for how he conversation is going to go when I see you.

Well there was no disappointment or guessing after that.  He was quite explicit that he is ready to finally be with someone, and I asked how many women has he worked that line on?  Really I know he is genuine and not full of lines, but I had to ask.  If I didn’t know how he really felt before, after arriving State side his best friend and I exchanged texts in which it was like pulling teeth for the details, but *Jimmy wanted to know what I managed to do to his friend.  I slept at Jimmy’s home during a long long layover while I chatted over text with Wiley.  Jimmy made a joke the next day that we had great wild sex and he heard Wiley’s heart drop, until he said it was a joke and that he should know that I am not that kind of woman.

Jimmy went on to add in a follow up text that Wiley professed “he loves me and that I need to stop putting it on them boys”.  Simply put “he just admires you like you are everything a woman is suppose to be puke, puke, puke”.  Jimmy could not stand all of the gushing, as his goal is to turn his friend into a Man-Whore.  If Jimmy has his way, Wiley would be screwing all kinds of women instead of as he puts it, “his boy done lost his mind thinking about me, and should not be thinking of love, but just sexing”.

All that said I do feel an enormous amount of pressure to live up to this man expectations. I feel like I broke his heart when I ended up with the Big Pot and now he’s ready and not wanting me to slip away again.

Now what is it again we women want?  We lay out our complaints.  We say we are looking for a host of qualities.  We say we are ready for the next phase of our lives.  Then a man comes along who is really just a great person and all of what we want seems to be forgotten and goes out the door, window and any orifice it can escape through.  I’m really trying to figure it out.  Either we want what we want from the wrong men, and shy away from the good ones.  We want all men even the not so good ones to see us in this light.  To feel these this way.  To recognize the fullness of our worth, the same way Wiley recognizes it in me.

I guess what I have not answered here is is this girl attracted to that boy or was I ever attracted to him?  I will not dare express that here.  Perhaps another way to escape telling myself that is a conversation for him.  But then how does one have that conversation when Jimmy starts and ends the text by saying, “Please don’t tell him that I am telling you any of this.”  I think Jimmy was just morbidly curious as to what he deems as my powers over this man, and he assumed sex played a role, but Wiley and I have never really chanced exploring a deep level of intimacy with each other.  It is comforting though to know a man really took time over the years to know me and the feelings he has developed is not based on sex, though it does not mean he has not expressed feelings of horniness. I may have to spare Wiley by not including any more articles about him.  He is definitely one of the INNOCENTS.

And now, I am one of the GUILTY ones.  *sigh* I need help!!!!  Next step?  Really Meditate on what I want.

Dear Mlog,

Good night John Boy, or rather should I try to bid Mr. Walton a fond goodbye, at least on the personal level.  Hard to say Goodbye to a genuine friend, but when does the friendship boarder on fiendship?  I say good man, thanks for all of your hospitality, but next time I am quite capable on my own.  If not, I am sure I will live to see another year, and well if not, I enjoyed the many with fond memories.

*Walton showed a bit of himself to me.  I was surprised, taken aback, annoyed, but I was not flattered in the least bit.  The independent feisty woman that I am cannot stand for handouts or anyone doing me a favour.  Honestly it is my pride.  I try to shrug off the Lioness in me, but I am a Leo to heart.  My pride was more than gracious and thankful, but I will not mind my ps and qs, and I am not talking pints and quarts of my elixir, but my sense of freedom.

I was having a dandy time at this fete when Mr. Walton made 2 off-handed comments to me, of which I will never forget. The first was, “it’s a good thing you didn’t pay to come here”.  Hmmmmm I thought, and let it slide.  The second was while I met up with a friend *Wiley.  He thought Wiley and I were spending a lot of time at this fete together, and as I was busy asking Wiley if he said hi to Walton, Walton turns to me and asks, “what the two of you are in love now, how you spending so much time together?” Hmmmm I let that one go, but you know I am not too keen on one kettle referring to another kettle.  I normally have a 3-strike rule and Walton has struck out in my book.  I thought him to be beyond pettiness or jealousy.  The first ball over the plate I let slide, after all he was not the only guilty concerning himself with the Big Pot.  However, one comment too many for my liking leads me to look at someone in a kiddish as oppose to a manish manner.

I mean really, you will throw into my face the fact that I did not pay my way there, or into the fete because you deem me to be having too much fun.  You would think Wiley and I to be in-love because I walked around with him too long for your liking. (Wiley will prove this to be some what true much to my surprise).  Then there was the question of asking me if I had something going with a friend of mine who is notorious for being intimate with all of the women he is seen with.  Well the pot boiling over at this point, when I am back in the US 1 day, and you call me that night to talk.  Walton brings up the 2 off-handed comments again, as if it was a big stone weighing you down.  I thought better of this man, as he is older than the lot and married with children.

It just goes to show that insecurities can fester at any age, and I for one will not play into anyone controlling my movements by doing me a favour.  No sir, I will be paying my own way from here on and maintaining my Destiny Child’s status as a Survivor and an Independent Women,  Needless to say I did not get too many words in that 14 minute conversation, but rest assured I am going to bring it to Walt’s attention.  Now he needs to concern himself with the role he wants to play in my life, friend, foe or hopeful love interest.  I have it on good authority he is separated.  I wonder how he neglected to mention that with all the hem and haw over other men.  Hmmm sometimes people accuse others of doing exactly what they are up to…. time will tell, but my patience comes and goes.

Dear Mlog,

*Dillon one of the characters in my sordid life is more than willing to dunk his donut in my cup.  Dillon has expressed this emphatically and I admire him for this kind of honesty.  You know, now-a-days when people don’t always say what they mean Dillon’s honesty is refreshing.  It’s so refreshing he will never get to take a dip, a dive or a splash.

I have known Dillon for some years, but I would not characterize our relationship as a friendship.  We only speak when we see each other, save for a few Facebook emails from him checking on me, or rather trying to maintain some kind of communication that would make it okay for me to part the seas.

Some time last year I seem to have caught his attention.  Perhaps it is the new way I wear my hair.  Perhaps I became his type all of a sudden.  For some reason at this particular juncture Dillon noticed me. Dillon said hi in a cute manner, almost as if he was seeing me for the first time that night… or perhaps the first time in this manner. Followed by this quick hi came a quick smack to my lips, and with a quick second thought on his face, realizing just how good it felt to him, he did it again.

Now I promptly looked around like are you MAD… and I can’t believe no one saw that. All that aside we went from one spot to the next ending up at a club.  There was Dillon in my face for the rest of the night dancing as slow as possible to fast songs, and pulling me in closer every time I pulled away. He explained what he knew or thought of my past connection with the Big Pot, as if to say it is quite okay that I he is showing an interest in me now.

I had a flight to catch that morning to connect to another flight, a few nights later, as we ended up in a club. He promised a mutual friend he would take me, as we are both on the first flight.  Dillon said he has to pick-up his luggage first and so we went.  I asked to use the Internet to see if I could get on a flight the next day.  Always trying to squeeze the last bit of fun out before the reality of work kicks in.

Hmmmm….. I have learned to ease up on men and their lifestyle, but Dillon’s place was a cross between 3 characters.  Pig Pen from Charlie Brown and both Oscar’s, the filthy roommate from The Odd Couple and the Grouch on Sesame Street living in a garbage can.  That should give you enough of a visual.

While I poured over options on the internet, all leaving me on standby and possibly getting fired for not coming back when I am suppose to, I decided it was a lost cause and to just go home.  Dillon asked how I was making out while he threw clothes into a bag, clearly not packed and clearly not picking up luggage.  In a swoop he was standing over me with his tongue down my throat.  I am guessing the conversation we had at the club actually turned him on.  It seemed to have posed a challenge for him.

Here is what I said.  “You can say what you like, you can smile, you can like me and you can even flirt if you wish to, but know this, it will go nowhere with me”.  Now somehow saying this is going nowhere actually poured oil over the flambeaux.  Ding dong the bell starts ringing… ok so not really the bell but a call from Jared saved me.  I stepped outside to explain we are picking up Dillon’s luggage and on our way.  I head back in for my purse where I was greeted by Dillon in “just jockeys”.  I am seriously not thinking, whatever the heck you are thinking.  Somewhere abouts the airport Dillon exclaimed, “I really really really wanted to have sex with you”.  I Have No Words!  I did not, could not and would not even respond to that!

Dillon present day as I said, we walked pass a restaurant with outdoor seating, whereby a friend and someone I was trying to ACTUALLY date once calls out to me.  After saying hi, Dillon so concerned for me says, “Did you ever have something with that guy? You know that guy is like a devil with the women.  He has girls fighting for him all of the time.  He really has his way with women.”  Here I am thinking my what a pretty glass home you have there, but I simply said, no we never went there. He asked if I never went there because I figured out the kind of guy he is. My saving grace then, and with you before and now is my period.  God alone knows why he keeps protecting me from the likes of you guys, but I did ask him about the woman you mentioned before.  All alarmed Dillon said, “you never told him it was me who told you right”?  No names were used in the making of this story line. Little did Dillon know that I try to protect the guilty and only the guilty, so he will remain anonymous to *Kermit and he will be Dillon to me henceforth.

Dear Mlog,

So in my previous entry I mentioned that there seemed to be a return from the past Jedi’s.

I will flesh each character out more in the coming mlogs, but for now I will discuss the links or rather the kettles, calling the other kettles black or transparent, and well all of the kettles worrying about the Big Pot .

How is it pheromones work again?  Is it possible for it to be international or even work via the phone?

I will start with *Walton, he was featured in my 3^rd mlog, Confessions of a Married Man.  While we were both still in the US, Walton asked me about the Big Pot, or more or less alluded to what he believed is happening.  Then while we (I) was having a time at a fete, Walton made 2 off-handed comments to me.  To be fleshed out later, but one of which he (a black kettle) was making a comment about another kettle, *Wiley.

*Wiley, truly a good, no great guy.  Where to start with him? Wiley practically proposed to me days after the fetes were done, but not before he too concerned himself with the Big Pot. Then a few days later, Wiley told me to say hi to a friend of mine, *Jared (another kettle).  Wiley has had his theory on Jared for some years now.  Again this will all be fleshed out in Wiley’s individual story line.

You see there is a theme running here so far.  Kettles are asking about kettles, and all kettles seemed to be concerned about the Big Pot.

Then there is *Dillon, who I know without too many words, though he has expressed in words before, is only interested in a romp.  Dillon dropped comments here and there as I was assisting him.  He even mentioned the Big Pot again, as he did last year some time. Dillon is a clear kettle, at least to me.  I think he means to be that transparent and shallow, though intelligent he is.  As Dillon and I were heading back, an old friend *Kalloway was sitting at an outdoor spot with a woman and called out to me.  Dillon asked about this kettle and went on to say that he is a devil and has his way with women.  I bit my tongue from saying, but are you not the same way?  A transparent kettle calling another transparent kettle, clear.

Lastly there is *Jared.  A truly great and exceptional friend who I know is looking well pass anything sexual, just as Wiley does.  Not at all saying they are not sexually attracted to me, but they see me, the woman, the friend, the human, the spirit and the soul.  Jared too asked about the Big Pot.  He feels I should be over the Big Pot and why am I still worrying myself, let alone still viewing the two of them as a conflict after all this time. I am not yet sure if I will be fleshing out Jared’s story line. However, to Wiley’s greeting I passed along Jared asked, “he still alive, he still around”?  In my mind of course he is, he is as good a friend as you are.  I suppose he was surprised to realize that I was still in communication with this kettle, as well as his disappointment in my communication with the Big Pot.

Now I know the world is round, I know it is made up of 70% of undrinkable water, and I also know that it can be a tee bit small at times.  But I am starting to feel the noose that is my world, tightening.  Alas it is time to meet some other men from other cultural backgrounds, before I end up dating a long long long lost cousin to born a child that resembles a goat.

But seriously, all of the kettles are busy asking about each other, though I have dated none of them, and well they really seemed to be concerned about the Big Pot.  I guess when some insecurities or jealousies kick-in, the mind does not always think clearly.  Instead of worrying about my feelings, associations or communication with the Big Pot, they need to think that perhaps the Big Pot is not interested in boiling his water on my stove and worry about themselves.